REALITY

She's opinionated, she's passionate, she's super-critical and TV WEEK blogger Mary has a lot to say about... the 51st TV WEEK Logie Awards.

11.30pm
The Bass, wearing a stunning frock, sings her latest MOR single in front of a backdrop of rain, which is either a special effect or Crown Casino's roof needs patching. She's got a good voice, but I'm afraid I find all of her songs pretty samey and not especially interesting. Still, she looks great — although she's slightly in danger of being upstaged by the ballet dancers in the background.

Matt Newton and Roy Billing (who is either tight or just plain over it) do an awkward intro to the Most Popular Light Entertainment Program nominees. And the winner is... Rove.

What will he complain about this time? Having to sit at the kids' table? Having to eat with plastic cutlery? Having co-stars who are much funnier than him?

He makes a crack about Matt Newton's naked bum (geddit? Bum crack? Boom Tish!), which falls fairly flat and from there I think it's the same speech he's probably given for the last 47 years or however long Rove's been winning this award.

Peter Phelps brings out Humphrey B Bear who, alas, has been a victim of the recession and needs a gig. (One that presumably doesn't involve doing ads for, ahem, "men's troubles".) Phelpsie does his best to interact with the mute bear — and makes a sly crack about a certain former Hi-5er — but let's face it, Humphrey was always pretty rubbish. I mean, he was better than Fat Cat, but nowhere near as good as talking puppets like Agro or Mr Squiggle or Charli Delaney.

And the Most Popular Aussie Drama award goes to Packed to the Rafters, which is very nice. They all seem genuinely excited and grateful. The oldies know what it's like to be stuck in the acting wilderness for years and the youngies aren't jaded yet, so it makes for the perfect balance.

Gretel, in yet another (hideous) dress, intros Lisa McCune and Georgie Parker. Love Georgie's dress colour, but I wish she'd done more with her hair. And, now that I can see Lisa's dress under different lighting, it actually looks pinkish and is rather beautiful.

They announce the Gold nominees — Nat Bass, Andrew Denton (AWOL), Rebecca Gibney, Adam Hills, Simmone Jade Mackinnon, Rove, Kate Ritchie and Ian Smith. And the Gold Logie goes to...

Rebecca Gibney. YAY!

I think people are just so happy to see her back on TV in something other than a painkiller ad — although she is very convincing. I really believe she's in pain. She's so warm and genuine and such a good actress and people just love her and she's genuinely thrilled, which is so lovely.

And, miraculously, the show's finished on time!

All in all, I think that was one of the slickest Logie nights we've seen for a while. Some of it worked, some of it didn't but, on the whole, there were fewer cringeworthy moments — and token yanks — than I can remember in a long time.

And so, as the stars get ready to slip off their high heels and hit the dance floors — and the toilet cubicles — with inappropriate partners, it's time for me to slip off my slippers, slip on my bedsocks, thank my trusty website editor Sabrina Rogers and bid you all a good night.

Thanks for reading!

11.00pm
The Ten Gold Logie campaign bit is uneven, but Ian Smith saves the day.

Kerry O'Brien presents the Logie for Most Popular Factual Program, although somehow I feel like his heart's not in it. It kind of feels like someone's got a shotgun aimed at his back from behind the curtain.

The winner is Bondi Rescue. It's nice to see the Bondi boys all suited up, although obviously I'd prefer it if they were in their work suits...

Daniel MacPherson presents the Graeme Kennedy award for Most Outstanding New Talent to Jessica Marais, who takes a little tumble up the stairs and then reveals that she didn't write a speech for this award. Naughty! Still, she manages to wing it pretty well and gives a pretty articulate speech.

Gretel, wearing a very unforgiving shade of orange, is interviewing Ruby Rose and KAK in the ladies. Puts a bit of pressure on the women in the cubicles not to make any unfortunate noises.

There's a bit of to-and-fro with Carson, who must be wondering what's happened to his career (hint: hear that flushing noise?) and then it's back to...

Sean Micallef. Yay! He hasn't even said or done anything yet, but I just LOVE him. He was one of the best Logies hosts ever although, unfortunately, I think he suffered the "Jon Stewart at the Oscars" fate of being too smart for 95% of the people in the room so that much of his material fell flat. When will they learn that unless you say "Boom Tish!" after every joke, these people just won't get it?

Anyway, the winner for Most Outstanding Drama Series, Miniseries or Telemovie is Underbelly. It looks like everyone — including all the extras who appeared in the series — gets up on stage. Looks like Simon Westaway took his portrayal of a "colourful" character to heart. That pink suit is a brave choice — especially if Mick Gatto's watching and decides to invite him out to lunch to thank Simon for his portrayal of him... Frankie J Holden has also gone for a splash of colour — and that orange shirt will stand him in good stead if he ever has to go to work on a night-time road crew.

Now here's the bit where they show all the awards that were given out before the telecast, also known as the "too boring to make it to air" awards. Eh, I'm not complaining. I mean, does anyone really want this show to be any longer?

10.19pm
Giann Rooney — who looks to be wearing Liz Hayes' outfit, so presumably Liz is now shivering in a toilet cubicle... I know there's a recession, but really it seems a bit unfair to make the girls share cossies — and Grant Hackett present the Most Oustanding Sports Coverage Logie to the Beijing Olympics. Bruce McAvaney's speech seems to consist mainly of listing every one of Seven's sports commentators, everyone who won a medal in Beijing and also in Sydney — Cathy Freeman's there why, exactly? — and every sporting arena in Beijing (which have now all been melted down in shopping malls, I believe).

Trent something — I'm not an AFL fan... apparently most of them are called Trent — and Billy Slater present the Most Popular Sports Program Logie to the NRL Footy Show. Fatty, Matty, Andrew and some executive we don't care about are supposed to accept the Logie, but it seems only Fatty and Andrew know about it.

Annie Lennox sings "There Must Be An Angel". Badly, I'm afraid. Well, not as well as she used to anyway. I think there comes a time when singers have to accept they can't quite hit the top notes anymore and either lower the key or give it away. Some of the performances by oldies on American Idol recently have been downright embarrassing — had they been contestants, they'd have copped it from Randy for being "pitchy". It gets better as she goes along, but for those of us who grew up trying to sing along with Annie Lennox's superb vocals (and failing miserably) it's pretty disappointing.

Note to the celebrities: you are at the Logies. You could be on camera any time. Make sure you're not talking or laughing at inappropriate moments. And yes, I'm talking to you, Matt Newton. I'm sure your parents taught you better than that!

Wil Anderson, who's looking very dapper these days, does a pretty funny spiel and presents the Most Popular New Male Talent Logie to Hugh Sheridan from Packed To The Rafters. He gives a very natural speech and thanks all the important people, including TV WEEK. Yay!

And the winner of the Most Popular New Female Talent Logie is Jessica Marais, also from Rafters. I'm a tad surprised — her character isn't as warm and likeable as Hugh's — but I guess there's no stopping the Rafters juggernaut tonight. She also gives a very nice, gracious speech. I'm glad to see so many people tonight actually seem to have one prepared, instead of getting up there and saying "Um.. er... gosh I didn't expect to win and I haven't prepared anything..." Here's a tip: you have a one in five chance of winning. HAVE A SPEECH PREPARED!

The Myles Barlow review bit is very cheeky — nice to see David Stratton et al prepared to send themselves up. And how infectious is Margaret Pomeranz's laugh?

9.49pm
Sarah Murdoch slinks out to present the Hall of Fame award to Bill Collins. Awww sweet! There's a little tear in my eye when he gets a standing ovation. He seems genuinely touched and gives a very heartfelt speech and then presumably goes off to discuss his favourite silent films with Kristy Hinze's husband.

9.38pm
George Negus, who's apparently channelling Johnny Cash (and sporting a nasty necklace), and Liz Hayes (in a red top and black skirt that might look good on someone else but do absolutely nothing for her) present the Most Outstanding News Coverage Logie to the ABC for "China Earthquake".

And yes, if you're wondering, this is the time to take a tea or toilet break. (Or a tea and toilet break if hygiene isn't a particular concern for you.)

Tom Burlinson introduces the "In Memoriam" bit and sings "Unforgettable". You know, I really wish people wouldn't clap during these things. I always feel bad for the less well-known/popular people who get no applause, plus it always feels like people are clapping because people have died. It's always awkward and uncomfortable and I think it's time all awards ceremonies instituted a "no applause until the end" rule. Who's with me?

The Nine Golden Globe campaign bit is actually pretty funny and Simmone Jade Mackinnon proves to be a surprisingly good straight man.

The Umbilical Brothers come on and annoy me. I know that probably wasn't their main intention, but that's what they manage to do. They overstay their welcome while announcing the nominees for the Most Popular Lifestyle Program. The Logie goes to Better Homes And Gardens. Of course, in the time it takes the whole team to take to the stage, I'm sure Tara could have shown everyone how to smelt their very own Logie at home.

Jo Griggs, looking larger than life (and towering over everyone on stage) in orange ruffles, gives a very gracious speech.

Josh Lawson and Ed Kavalee (soooooo cute!) mess about quite amusingly and then present the Most Popular Presenter Logie to... Rove, who doesn't bother giving a speech but just compares his dodgy chair to the ones the Packed To The Rafters cast are sitting on. Just be grateful they gave you a seat inside the room, Rove.

Gretel's changed dresses again — for the better — and then moves out into the audience to talk to the New Male Talent nominees. Some fare better than others. The Rafters boys are fairly chatty. Dean Geyer is clearly lost without a script. I know Gretel's doing her best, but the whole thing drags on far too long.

9.06pm
The Gretel Killeen/Damian de Montemas/Ian Smith/Anh Do in heaven segment is fairly funny, but goes on just a tad too long.

Lucky Gretel (who's now wearing Bjork's cast-off swan dress) gets helped down from her swing by the Bondi Vet. They exchange some awkward banter and Gretel takes a swipe at her ex-husband — apparently she plans to use tonight to get revenge on everyone who's ever done her wrong. Maybe she thinks this will be her last TV appearance in a while and she may as well go down in a blaze of glory. At least she will if anyone lights a match anywhere near that dress.

They present the Logie for Most Popular Reality Show and the winner is... So You Think You Can Dance! It's accepted by Jason, Bonnie, Nat and Matt who's not in his hat, but I think we've just worked out why he usually is. What has he done with his hair? He looks like he's about to have his second grade class photo taken.

Jason waffles on about livin' the dancin' dream or diggin' the dancin' queen or something. I don't know, I wasn't really listening. I was distracted by his jacket. Apparently he's planning to go straight from the Logies to running a Coconut Shy stall at an English sideshow in the '50s. Besides, after 100 weeks of So You Think You Can Dance, his voice is like nails on a blackboard to me.

By comparison, here's the silken-voiced Dave Hughes... He delivers the first decent laughs of the night and presents the Logie for Most Outstanding Comedy to The Hollowmen. Merrick Watts (who was surprisingly effective in his role in the show), David James and Lachy Hulme accept it. Merrick does all the talking and gives a fairly funny speech and the other two stand up the back looking a bit surplus to requirements.

The Channel Seven Gold Logie campaign bit is OK — not as funny as the ABC one. Could have used a laugh track, I think.

8.41pm
Rove and Rachel Griffiths and her belly come out and crack wise about her pregnancy and unfortunate baby name choices. There should be a rule: no naming your baby after an inanimate object. Ever.

Rachel says people who suggest she's about to pop should "eff off". Aahhh you can take the girl out of Australia...

PJ Lane (Don's son) is apparently the Logie equivalent of Miss Golden Globe — and I suspect would look better in a frock than poor old Rumer Willis.

The Most Outstanding Actor winner is Gyton Grantley — Yay! — who gives a very heartfelt speech. At least, it seems heartfelt. But then, he IS a very good actor...

The Most Outstanding Actress winner is Kat Stewart. Yay again! Her transformation into Roberta Williams was one of my TV highlights of last year. And she manages to make it all the way through her speech without saying "eff off" to anybody. Hear that Rachel Griffiths, you old potty mouth?

The Denton/Hills Gold Logie campaign bit is pretty funny — particularly the swipe at Andrew "no show" Denton who has apparently forgotten that the only reason he is now in a position to retire behind the camera is because he's had a very successful on-camera career thanks to his fans. I wonder how many he'll have after tonight?

8.28pm
First up is Jess Mauboy. Looks like they pre-recorded the opening of her song up on the roof, which I bet was fun on a cold Melbourne night. Host Gretel Killeen comes out. She's gone with the pale dress look and the George Clooney circa 1995 hairdo. I want to like the dress, but it does nothing for her.

Her opening monologue is OK. She takes a few swipes at TV execs, shows and herself. But when will presenters learn that in-jokes are not funny for 99% of the people watching?

After a jokey murder opening which is kind of funny but also kind of doesn't work, Steve Bisley and Rodger Corser (who apparently aren't worthy of an introduction) present the Most Popular Actress Logie to Rebecca Gibney! I hope she's been doing her squats because I suspect she's going to be getting up and down from her seat a lot tonight. She seems genuinely shocked, which is so sweet, and gives quite an emotional speech.

Jennifer Hawkins and Kristy Hinze present Most Popular Actor. The winner is... Todd Lasance.

I half expected Mark Priestley to win for sentimental reasons but am kind of glad he didn't because it would have been too sad.

Todd gives a gracious speech but then says "more sweeter" and from that point on is dead to me.

Jules says Gold Logie voting has finished and hints that a dark horse has made an 11th hour rush for the finish line, but I suspect that's just a tease to get people to stick it out until 5am or whenever the show finishes.

OK, who finds that Cadbury ad with the freaky eyebrows creepy? Is it supposed to frighten people into seeking comfort food?

8.08pm
Erik Thomson and the lovely Rebecca Gibney are with Jules. Rebecca's red dress is stunning and I so hope she wins Gold tonight — I just love her.

Jess Mauboy is with Lyndsey. I love Jess so I want to love her dress, but I just don't think it's right for her figure. Too many frills and layers and it makes her look bulky.

Karl and Lisa are with Jules. Lisa is telling a boring story about an $11,000 handbag. Snore.

Rachel Griffiths is with Shelley. High-necked dresses can be very cruel..

Matt and Roy from Underbelly 2 are with Jules. Matt is chewing gum on the red carpet. Yuk. Such a bad look. Why don't these people's "people" make sure they spit it out beforehand?

Kate Ritchie's dark blue dress is lovely and I like that her hair's all long a floaty —' it makes her look quite relaxed. She might just snatch the Gold from Rebecca Gibney's fingertips at the last minute, but I doubt it.

And now, on with the show!

8.02pm
The Underbelly 1 boys are with Jules. I'd love to see them take on the Underbelly 2 boys! Damian vs Matt! Vince vs Roy Billing! Kat vs one of Terry Clark's cast-off chicks! (Actually, I reckon Roberta could take 'em all on.)

Hugh and Jessica from Rafters are with Shelley. From what I can see of it, Jessica's dress is lovely. Mind you, it's pretty hard to see much with Shelley Craft's frilled-neck lizard dress in the way.

Dannii Minogue is with Jules. Good dress. Bad Prince Valiant haircut.

Jennifer Hawkins looks fab as always and it's nice to see someone wearing a colour. Clearly, "pale, white or washed out" is tonight's colour theme and it's getting a bit repetitive.

7.55pm
Lisa McCune is with Jules and, as usual, she scrubs up pretty well, although I think that pale dress makes her look a tad washed out.

Rove and Tasma are with Shelley. Tasma's frock looks nice... until I see it properly. Hmmm.... not sure about that see-through bit...

Rove's up for Gold. He's an outside chance. Very outside. Like old, disused, ivy-covered-backyard-dunny outside.

Sarah Murdoch looks stunning as always. I'm not usually a big fan of big bows, but she can pull it off.

Hamish and Andy are with Jules. I love them, but it's time they both did something about their hair.

Annie Lennox looks a bit like a giant chook with all those feathers, but she still looks pretty amazing for her years.

Nat Bass is with Lyndsey. She's up for Gold. No chance.

The homeMADE crew are with Jules. It's so cute that they're so new to all this, they're actually excited about meeting Shelley Craft! Wait till they get all jaded and cynical. I give them till next year's Logies (assuming the show doesn't go the way of Guerilla Gardeners...)

Simmone Jade is with Lyndsey. Up for Gold. No chance. Interesting print dress. Hope there are no hunters about...

Carson Kressley is trying to pick up boys in the crowd, presumably with the line: "Remember me? I used to be famous..."

7.40pm
Hi everyone and welcome to Logies night! I've been sharpening my claws all week, so let's get stuck in!

First up with Jules is the lovely Adam Hills, who's nominated for a Gold Logie and who has virtually no chance of winning, sadly.

Newlywed Kristy Hinze is wearing vintage Bill Blass. Her vintage husband isn't with her, probably because the inmates aren't allowed out after dark at the nursing home.

Ian Smith is with Shelley. He's up for Gold and might actually just scrape home for sentimental reasons.

Kerry Armstrong is with Jules looking waaay too good than is fair for someone of her vintage.

Kerri-Anne's with Shelley. The dress and bling are pretty OTT, but let's face it — we'd be disappointed if KAK turned up in something tasteful and classy, wouldn't we?

Ricki-Lee's with Lyndsey. Quite like her purple frock, but I think she's going to regret that train. I'm betting it won't make it through the night unscathed.

Neighbours' Dean and Margot are with Lyndsey. Judging by her frock, Margot's planning to get into the DeLorean and go back to 1985 for a formal straight after the Logies. It is extremely nasty.

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